What Bums Me Out

I'm afraid I'm going to have to end things with my boyfriend of almost 2 years this weekend. It's really sad, but I just don't see a future with him at all anymore, especially in light of what I found out about him last month -- he's a closeted bisexual. And unfortunately, I did not find out about it by him being honest with me and telling me. I found out quite by accident, as he lets me use his computer when I'm over at his place...and I saw in his drop-down list of URLs a bi/gay dating site.

Now, we've been having problems anyway. He's totally shut down and withdrawn from me, ever since we had a talk about our feelings for one another about 6 months ago. Of course, I told him I love him, but he told me he wasn't sure if he loved me or not because he feels he doesn't know me...because we don't talk about anything. Nice Catch-22 he set up, because he never, ever brings up anything that has to do with our relationship. It's all been on me, and nothing's ever come of it. When I ask if he wants to talk about us, he just shrugs and says everything's fine...and it's clearly not.

With this latest revelation, I now totally understand why he doesn't bring things up. When you've got a huge secret like that, it makes opening up about anything hard. I get that. And, I get that he doesn't trust me enough to confide in me about his sexuality. That's got to be one of the toughest things anyone ever has to deal with about themselves.

It's just sad, because he's almost 40. And it's for this reason I've been able to work through the resentment I felt when I found out he had been looking online for a man to hang out with. And I actually have no issues with him being bi, although I can honestly say I'm not equipped to be in a relationship with that sort of complexity. So, it's the end, I'm afraid. Sad doesn't begin to describe how I feel about it, but I have to move on, you know?

Tags: journal, dating, relationships, diary